UPDATE ON LIFE #1
Long time no (actual) chat. I think the last blog I ran was on my ever-loving Tumblr account, which hasn't been touched in a long time. Blogging was something that I truly loved in both high school and college, especially because it provided the opportunity to just... express. Write. Say. Type. Spilling words out has always been one of my specialties.
To be completely honest, I don't have much of a *big* update on my life. It's not the same as it was before COVID. I'm not planning tours. I'm not taking a ton of pictures of myself in hopes that one of them will get 1000 likes on Instagram. I'm not actively putting together release timelines. Which, to be honest... still feels odd. My entire identity used to be consumed by the music industry and what I wanted to give to it. I was nearly addicted to oversharing. It pushed people away. I felt trapped by the 'need' to constantly share anything at all. I don't know if that was at the fault of music or myself, or maybe a bit of both. Either way, it's just not my life anymore.
I'm 29 years old. I have a fiance, and am getting married in 207 days. I have a house on eastern Long Island. I have 2 dogs, Pika and Mya. I have a job as a publicist for a firm in NYC, which consumes most of my time (enjoyably). I find myself not writing as much anymore, which is why I decided to revamp my website, buy a domain, and restart (or, start) an actual blog. Will this hold me accountable? Maybe. I want my work to be out there again, on my own terms, and not at the expense of my mental health. Before, I felt like it was a necessity to be seen all the time, or people would forget about the music that I was creating. Honestly, it was a bullshit way of thinking. It was a bullshit, exhausting way of living. I don't know how else to express that. It made me tired, sick, and stressed to feel like I always needed to be seen by somebody in order to succeed.
Now... my life just isn't that. I don't really know what my life is anymore, aside from being pretty comfortable. Am I still a musician? Am I still a creative? These are questions I've grappled with, as I've tried to figure out where my place is in an industry that I admit I feel alienated from. What am I, if not Hope Vista?
I've tried to spend time figuring out if I am happy with just existing, and not living amidst the chaos of creative output. The (honest) answer is no, I'm not, because all I've ever wanted in this life is to succeed in the music industry. I have a notebook full of what that means to me, what success in the music industry means. I often feel like I'm too old to accomplish those long-standing goals, but artists like Lizzo are defying the odds of ageism.
Still, it's hard to grasp who I am without what I was.
I just recently adopted a second dog, but for the last year plus, I've often sat with my dog Pika and just tried to enjoy the silent moments with him (when he is still). Sit in it. Feel it. Embrace the sense of calm and what it means to just utterly be. For years upon years, I've ran at the speed of light. Trying to accomplish everything. Band. Solo. Writing books. Starting a clothing line. Podcasts. PR company. You name it, I've tried it. Maybe it was all in efforts to feel understood. To take the excess energy I feel internally and spin it into gold. To cross out those goals in my notebook.
But it's not who I am anymore. And I'm not really okay with that, still.
So I guess that's my life update for now. I'm existing. I'm sorry I don't have more, but maybe the point is to not have more.